McCain, "Engergized" By Palin

(NOVEMBER 25, WASHINGTON) At his first press conference since conceding to president elect Barack Obama, John McCain spoke in regards to Sarah Palin “It's one of the great pleasures I've had to get to know her and her family, and I think she has a very bright future in a leadership position in the Republican Party", McCain cleared his throat and continued, "….I knew that she would be an energizing factor, because she energized me".


WHOA! Time out Grandpa. "SHE energized ME". Sooooo that's why you picked her.

In another report, McCain canceled his prescription to Viagra this week.

Uncle Bernie Gets Agent

(NOVEMBER 16, LOS ANGELES) Famed child molester, Bernard Gruber, AKA "Uncle Bernie" acquires Dan Messer, a high profile Hollywood agent of the Endeavor agency. Uncle Bernie, a veteran Massachusetts toll booth worker served fifteen years in a state penitentiary for twelve counts of child molestation, and three counts of sodomy. He was most infamous for prowling the aisles of Toys R' us in lower income areas of Boston. In a 1993 interview with Charles Gibson of ABC news Bernie said "I never did them KB Toys. Them motha's would always be watching them kids in the KB Toys. That's why i preferred them Toys R us joints. Ya' know, buy a kid frikin' power ranger and maybe i'd get lucky".

Messer and the Endeavor agency has lined Bernie up for a cameo appearance on "Dancing with the Stars", and "True Blood", where he will play the first child molesting vampire in vampire film history. There also has been speculation Uncle Bernie will replace Jeff Foxworthy on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" on FOX. Though its a violation of Bernie's parole, FOX surprisingly has the most lax child protection rules in the industry. Move over Polanski, here comes Uncle Bernie!

English Teacher Sued Over Copyright Infringement

"He never kept the Vaeth" -Don Leifert

(NOVEMBER 16, SEOUL) In a blatant ripoff, an English teacher, Dan Vaeth-Levin, now working in Korea stole very important aspects of a notable LA- based blogger's website. Jim Dresden, Lawyer of Blaustein & Blaustein, said "the template and the actual writing style were stolen. Sloppy". Former high school English teacher of Vaeth-Levin, Don Leifert, who had taught the young student the basics of writing, moral standing, and intellectual property laws said "I'm not disappointed. I saw this coming. Vaeth-Levin was never on the right side. The Leifert side". No word has been heard from the actual LA blogger, but we know he's pissed.