(NOVEMBER 16, LOS ANGELES) Famed child molester, Bernard Gruber, AKA "Uncle Bernie" acquires Dan Messer, a high profile Hollywood agent of the Endeavor agency. Uncle Bernie, a veteran Massachusetts toll booth worker served fifteen years in a state penitentiary for twelve counts of child molestation, and three counts of sodomy. He was most infamous for prowling the aisles of Toys R' us in lower income areas of Boston. In a 1993 interview with Charles Gibson of ABC news Bernie said "I never did them KB Toys. Them motha's would always be watching them kids in the KB Toys. That's why i preferred them Toys R us joints. Ya' know, buy a kid frikin' power ranger and maybe i'd get lucky".
Messer and the Endeavor agency has lined Bernie up for a cameo appearance on "Dancing with the Stars", and "True Blood", where he will play the first child molesting vampire in vampire film history. There also has been speculation Uncle Bernie will replace Jeff Foxworthy on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" on FOX. Though its a violation of Bernie's parole, FOX surprisingly has the most lax child protection rules in the industry. Move over Polanski, here comes Uncle Bernie!
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