McCain, "Engergized" By Palin

(NOVEMBER 25, WASHINGTON) At his first press conference since conceding to president elect Barack Obama, John McCain spoke in regards to Sarah Palin “It's one of the great pleasures I've had to get to know her and her family, and I think she has a very bright future in a leadership position in the Republican Party", McCain cleared his throat and continued, "….I knew that she would be an energizing factor, because she energized me".


WHOA! Time out Grandpa. "SHE energized ME". Sooooo that's why you picked her.

In another report, McCain canceled his prescription to Viagra this week.

Uncle Bernie Gets Agent

(NOVEMBER 16, LOS ANGELES) Famed child molester, Bernard Gruber, AKA "Uncle Bernie" acquires Dan Messer, a high profile Hollywood agent of the Endeavor agency. Uncle Bernie, a veteran Massachusetts toll booth worker served fifteen years in a state penitentiary for twelve counts of child molestation, and three counts of sodomy. He was most infamous for prowling the aisles of Toys R' us in lower income areas of Boston. In a 1993 interview with Charles Gibson of ABC news Bernie said "I never did them KB Toys. Them motha's would always be watching them kids in the KB Toys. That's why i preferred them Toys R us joints. Ya' know, buy a kid frikin' power ranger and maybe i'd get lucky".

Messer and the Endeavor agency has lined Bernie up for a cameo appearance on "Dancing with the Stars", and "True Blood", where he will play the first child molesting vampire in vampire film history. There also has been speculation Uncle Bernie will replace Jeff Foxworthy on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" on FOX. Though its a violation of Bernie's parole, FOX surprisingly has the most lax child protection rules in the industry. Move over Polanski, here comes Uncle Bernie!

English Teacher Sued Over Copyright Infringement

"He never kept the Vaeth" -Don Leifert

(NOVEMBER 16, SEOUL) In a blatant ripoff, an English teacher, Dan Vaeth-Levin, now working in Korea stole very important aspects of a notable LA- based blogger's website. Jim Dresden, Lawyer of Blaustein & Blaustein, said "the template and the actual writing style were stolen. Sloppy". Former high school English teacher of Vaeth-Levin, Don Leifert, who had taught the young student the basics of writing, moral standing, and intellectual property laws said "I'm not disappointed. I saw this coming. Vaeth-Levin was never on the right side. The Leifert side". No word has been heard from the actual LA blogger, but we know he's pissed.

Paul Wall Doesn't Know Shit

If you have ever had the immense pleasure of hearing one of the very diverse tracks by hip hop icon Paul Wall, you will know he's always bitching about "what you know?", as if testing us--the audience--on things he, Paul Wall, knows.

Well, Paul Wall, I do know some things:

PW: What you know about purple drank?

Purple "Drank" is cough syrup and alcohol. You drink it.

PW: What you know bout' poppin' trunk, neon lights, candy paint?

I looove poppin' trunk. That's so cool that you're into it too! Neon Lights? Candy Paint? Oh man you're awesome.

PW: You don't know the Swishahouse man!

C'mon Paul, that's easy. The Swishahouse man is a graphic novel that's now a major motion picture starring Halle Berry, Kevin Bacon, and Michael Clark Duncan-- as The Swishahouse man.

I also know you're a goddamn pussy. I know that you fuck your daughter and eat mayonnaise. I know you have a big house that you wont be able to afford in two and a half months. I've got a word for you: Foreclosure.

The Zoo Apologizes 2.0

Sorry guys/gals. I know I haven't been postin' up as much as usual. I've been a crack dinosaur recently. But I'm back. I promise....and now begins a two part blog on "Hip-Hop". Enjoy. Thanx.

DOUCHE BAG

WTF! Your shit is wack son.

I'm tired of seeing these faux buisness heads walking around public spaces with their goddamn earpieces seemingly talking to thelmselves. You are not muli-tasking. You are an asshole.

*

The Zoo Apologizes

We are sorry for the recent inactivity on the site. Laziness is a cow that feeds off the fascist insect.

But hey, we're back, Bitch.

Beetlejuice Linked to the Cosmos

"I don't know. I ain't got nothing to do with this"

(APRIL 14, NEW YORK) Canadian and French astronomers have discovered the coldest black dwarf star in our universe. The black dwarf is named CFBDS J005910.83-011401.3 Its temperature is about 350°C and its mass about 15-30 times the mass of Jupiter, the largest planet of our solar system. Located about 40 light years from our solar system, it is an isolated object, meaning that it doesn't orbit another star. Black dwarf stars were first discovered several decades ago with the emergence of Gary Coleman, however, none have been so scientifically valuable as this most recent discovery. Thanks Beet!

G.W. Bush--The Movie

(APRIL 8, LOS ANGELES) After making JFK the movie, NIXON the movie, and 9-11 the movie, filmmaker provocateur Oliver Stone has decided to direct "W" a biopic depicting the 8 years of hellish rape, torture, and murder committed by the current administration. The project will be primarily shot in Louisiana, and will be released before the "Dubya" leaves office.

Below are some reactions to the recent announcement:

Marc Seattle Wash. April 8th, 2008 3:38 pm ET

I will see it only if it shows Pres. Bush with his pitchfork and devil horns.

Steve A. Moore Smithton, Mo. April 8th, 2008 3:39 pm ET

The only two things I want to see about George Bush are him leaving office for good, and his obituary.

John from Chicago April 8th, 2008 3:10 pm ET

Is this movie going to be a comedy or tragedy??

dennis north carolina April 8th, 2008 2:55 pm ET

why pay to see a movie when we watch every night on the news media the bush story un-edited.

Chuck in Alabama April 8th, 2008 2:29 pm ET

What a waste of celluloid. Think we’ll find this one in the DVD bargain bin at Wal Mart for $3.99 at Christmas?

Cubans Get DVD Players; Haitians Get Jack

(APRIL 2, HAVANA, CUBA) Just one day after April fools, Raul Castro, brother to el jeffe-Fidel, has made unprecedented changes to the Cuban system including the commercial sale of DVD players, cell phones, and other soul crushing devices.

In response to the breaking news, citizens of nearby Haiti responded with Jealousy.

Pierre LaDuke, "Us Haitians have been living under a more free society than the Cubans, yet the manufacturers in Japan, and America still have not exported DVD players to Haiti". LaDuke angrily continues "Why? I ask why?"

Why? Well honestly, the U.S. doesn't give a damn. They want to protect their investments. Haiti is not an investment. It is a toilet. However, everyone deserves their fair share at watching a decent picture.

Tax That Ass

(Tuesday, March 18, 2008 WASHINGTON D.C.) It's tax season folks!

In a recent study conducted by The Craigson Institute, 1 in 4 employees of the Internal Revenue Service find sexual satisfaction in "Taxing". Marc Drake, a tax agent for the IRS, "During the off season I prefer strip clubs and amateur pornography, but it's tax season now, and there is nothing more sexually pleasing than filing a return".

Neil Cowherd, IRS Auditor, "This time of year you see strange stuff around the office. Last week I saw an accountant hiding behind a copier masturbating on top of a W-4 form...Classic".

The study is new but this type of behavior isn't. Cowherd remarked, "It may seem odd or even sadistic, but the truth is, whatever gets you off--porn, bondage--taxing; the act itself is trivial. What matters is that you are enjoying yourself".

So folks, when you get your return back from the dirty boys and girls of the Internal Revenue Service, if page 3 is stuck to page 4, you'll now know why.

Lil' Weezy For Prez '08

(March 12, 2008, ATL, GEORGIA) American Hip-Hop icon Dwayne Michael Carter, AKA Lil' Wayne, AKA Lil' Weezy, has annouced that he will be running for President of the United States. In a landmark press conference in Atlanta hosted by MTV Networks, Lil' Weezy confirmed he will be representing the newly established Cash Money People's Republic Party. Michelle Darabont, Newsweek, spearheaded the conference with several key issues.

ECONOMY:
LW: I'll make it rain. I gets paid, you gets paid. Ya' kna' wha' i'm sayin'?

THE WAR ON TERROR:
LW: I'll kill all dem mothafuckaz ova' dare in Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and all dem niggaz up on the east side of Halifax between Gregson and Crenshaw.

EDUCATION:
LW: Fuck it.

THE WAR ON DRUGS:
LW: I use drugs. I ain' gon' lie. I think everybody should use drugs. In fact, all drugs will be legal when i'm prez.

EXPERIENCE:
LW: I'm very experiencial. I started in tha' rap game when i was 13...and i fuck mad bitches all day.

FOREIGN POLICY AND DIPLOMACY:
LW: Foreign policy? (thinks) I don't want to give away too much, but I can say DMX will be very much involved. As for diplomacy, I'm very good friends wit Dipset. Cam'ron and I smoke once a week. Get crunked, naw wah i'm sayn'?

THE BUSH LEGACY:
LW: Would I impeach him? Hell yeah. Although, as far I know Bush is from Texas, and they don't have peaches in Texas. We'd have to do two things. Either deport him to Georgia or Import more peaches to Texas.

Spitzer Resigns; Looks to YouTube for Hope

(March 12, 2008, NEW YORK) New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned today after paying a prostitute for sex. "I am deeply sorry" the Governor said, "I will try once again outside of politics to serve the common good."

When asked by Jim Hudson, ABC News, on what exactly the governor would do to pursue the common good Spitzer had this to said, "I will spend more time on the Internet, rather than directly cheating on my wife. I'll start checking out videos of girls on YouTube shaking their booty. I like a little junk in the trunk." Hudson replied, "That's not exactly an admirable way of dealing with the issue."

Spitzer cleared his throat, "Sometimes you got to Superman that ho'."

McCain Wins The GOP Nom; Hillary Dumps

(March 4 2008, NEW YORK) McCain receives the Republican Nomination and endorsement from President Bush.

Meanwhile, Hillary wins key states Texas and Ohio

Mrs. Clinton also won Rhode Island, but Rhode Island isn't a state.

Paul Jones, Dallas Morning News, asked Mrs. Clinton about her current personal comfort level. Clinton had this to say:

"Well, I'll say this. With all the stress of the primary election, it's been extremely difficult for me to use the toilet. BUT, last night I had the distinct pleasure of taking a tactful, well managed dump."

Will There Be Blood? Your thoughts folks....

MTV Admits Madonna DID Seduce a Television

(Sunday March 2, LOS ANGELES) George Kasdan, Public Relations of MTV Networks speaks to the Press:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

Kasdan: We have confirmed that in 1994 during the filming of "Take a bow" Recording Artist and Actress, Madonna, did have a sexual encounter with a television. She was in her underwear when she straddled the television. At this point, after several accounts from various sources we do believe the television was seduced.

For video footage of the seduction please check this link:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=T1asAYQT4mA

Thoughts?

On Point

On Point- A person who is in the moment; spot on; a person of balance; displaying greatness

People who are on point:

10. Wee Bey from The Wire

9. Vladimir Putin

8. Madonna

7. Bob Hoskins in any picture

6. Stars of USA for Africa singing "We are the world"

5. Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List

4. Young Fidel Castro, and the Cuban Revolution of 1959

3. Darth Vader, obviously

2. Michael Jordan

1. Lake Palmer (http://youtube.com/watch?v=cGK-Rwb5S50)

Key Thought: notice there is only one woman listed. I thought for awhile about important female figures but only one seemed to be "on point". Sure Bjork, Jodie Foster, Angela Merkel are great, but they are more in the outer space category. Let's hear your thoughts.

10 reasons why Michael Bay sucks

10. Waste of money

9. Confuses explosions for plot

8. I forgot what 8 was for

7. Rampant product placement

6. Loves one dimensional characters

5. Denies the Holocaust happened

4. Makes Brett Ratner seem like a good guy

3. He's Producing a remake of "The Birds"--I'm sure you'll top it, Michael.

2. "Armageddon" is on Criterion

1. Likes the taste of Bruckheimer's semen

Got a Better reason? Let's discuss folks